I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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