remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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