Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
