I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
