You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You made out with two different species that night
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
