The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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