i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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