I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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