i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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