Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
