i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
