please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
This can only be settled by a dance off.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
