saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
