I could make wine with my vomit
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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