She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
