I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Randomize
