She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
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I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
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I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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