she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
