im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
