my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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