whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
