I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
