I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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