Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I want her autograph on my taint
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
