we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
