I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize