I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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