can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
