Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
