yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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