I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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