i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
