the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
