I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
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I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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