She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
