No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
