The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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