i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
