Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
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I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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