Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
