We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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