i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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