every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
