why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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