oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
