How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
