Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
