It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
