cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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