So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
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Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
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I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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