Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
