How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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