eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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